I breaded the cat tonight.

So, I got bored today and then this happened:

Laser death eyes: ENGAGED

For those of you who live under a rock, this is breading, and it’s the hottest new internet meme. For crazy cat ladies, any way. Gawker says:

Forget planking. All the cool kids are putting their cats in bread and taking pictures of them looking like little yeasty lions. “Breading” is a throw-back to the old Japanese “putting-food-on-rabbits”meme of the early viral web, but with a modern twist.

The wacky meme of breading cats has exploded in recent months, propelled by the internet. There’s an official Facebook page with more than 9,000 likes, and a popular post on the hip blogging platform Tumblr. So, it is now an official meme according to Internet Law.

So basically, it’s just another thing you can do to make your pet look stupid. Because dressing them up in clothes isn’t bad enough. But you can’t just go around breading your feline companion willy nilly. There are rules:

1) Take a piece of bread (If this is your first time, use a soft white bread. Experienced breaders will use rye or even multigrain.)

2) Cut a hole approximately 1 inch larger than your cat’s head. This trips some people up. Remember: the bread has to fit around the not just the cat’s head, but it’s ears, too.

3) Gently place the bread around your cat’s head.

4) Take a picture. Post it to the official in-bread cat Facebook page.

My cat is laid back. He has to be to survive in this family, what with all the pokey little pre-schooler fingers constantly being shoved in the general direction of his eye-holes. He puts up with Boo’s not-so-gentle ministrations until he gets fed up with it, at which point he whacks Boo on the head and runs away. Wash, rinse, repeat, at least four times a day.

So I figured Kitty wouldn’t mind too much if I shoved a piece of 7 Grain Honey Oat bread on his head.

I was wrong. So, so wrong.

In the interest of science, I decided to see if he was pissed off simply because he disliked my choice of bread. I had some old tortillas in the fridge, so I cut a hole in one and shoved it over his humongo cranium.

Also pictured: incredibly distressed 3 year-old who kept insisting that I was being mean to his kitty.

That look? Utter contempt.

I took approximately eleventy-million pictures, and they all turned out the same. He looks completely pissed off in every single one. So much barely contained rage. You can practically see him plotting his revenge, like he wants to warn me that I need to lock up my prized possessions tonight.

You should probably sleep with your bedroom door closed tonight. Just FYI.

Finally, he’d had enough.

GET THIS GORRAM THING OFF ME, WOMAN.

And that was the end of that. I tried it later with a whole wheat pita, but no dice. He had wised up to my antics and spent the rest of the evening hiding under the kitchen table. I plan to apologize later by getting him super, blazing high with some primo catnip. That shit fixes everything. I hope.

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife. I'm totally peeing on your shoes tonight.

Now it’s your turn! Stuff your pet’s head into the carbohydrate of your choice and then send them to me! I’ll share the best ones later so we can all delight in your animal’s shame.

ETA: I *just* realized that the title of this post kind of sounds like I rolled my cat in delicious panko bread crumbs so I could fry him up and serve him family style with a side of honey mustard. But rest assured–he’s definitely alive and still pissed off. No cats were harmed in the production of this post.

ETA 2: It also bears mentioning that I completed this post while watching the episode of My Strange Addiction about the lady who ate cat treats and cat food every day. I’m positive this is the point people will later point out as the start to my dark and twisty descent into madness. Probably.

source

About Chelsie

Mommy. Beauty product whore. Plastic lawn flamingo enthusiast. Nosy neighbor. One day novelist.
This entry was posted in Cat Lady Confessions, Internetland and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to I breaded the cat tonight.

  1. I laughed so hard at this that I had to link to it on my blog and Facebook page. If my own cats’ claws weren’t like implements of death because I’m a neglectful pet owner, I would totally do this to them.

  2. Claire Lopez says:

    This would NEVER happen with my dogs! Hilarious!

  3. Stacey says:

    My coworkers wanted me to attempt to bread my cats for our company blog. I have three cats. For breading purposes, the cats could be known as No Effin Way, Not Likely, and Eh Maybe.

    So I attempted to bread the most agreeable one. He was not amused. I was able to get the bread on his face, but he’d immediately dart off and take the bread off before I could snap a picture. Eventually I gave up.

  4. you realize – your cat will exact his revenge – if not immediately – when you least expect it….
    LOL

  5. thebnc says:

    Poor Mr. Kitty. And poor Boo, watching mean ol’ Mommy stick bread on his cat… ;-)

  6. DC5 says:

    This would be especially demeaning to my poor Isabelle, who recently informed me that she’s gone gluten free. Being the helpful staff that I am I informed her that there are now many varieties of GF bread out there. Isabelle scoffed at this, telling me that rice bread was so disgusting she wouldn’t even feed it to birds.

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