Five Things You Thought You Knew About Moms Who Blog (but are completely false)

I’m a mom. I’m also a blogger. But I’m not really a mommy blogger.

A quick peek at my archives would lead a lot of people to think that I’m full of shit, just like the time your elementary math teacher tried to convince you that all squares are rectangles, but not all rectangles are squares. (I’m still not convinced about that one, lady.)

Sure, I have a kid. I post pictures of him and write about him occasionally. Despite the fact that the post previous to this one features a naked, gore-covered baby picture, the childling is not the only thing that ends up here in internetland. There’s also vibrators and Zombie Jesus and neighbors who look like Lou Ferrigno.

Obviously there are a lot of misconceptions out there about moms who blog. Hell, a lot of them have been perpetuated by the moms themselves. So I’m going to clear those up for you, okay?

1. We all think we’re morally and physically superior to you because we fulfilled our God-given biological purpose of bringing forth another human life.

FALSE. It is true that we once mashed our genitals against those of a member of the opposite sex in a (drunken) union that resulted in a tiny, helpless being who will hog the next 18-30 years of our life, money, and energy. However, we do not think we’re better than you because of this. Mostly we think about getting a single night of uninterrupted sleep. And maybe some more of that drunken genital mashing.

2. Our children all have weird names that you can’t spell or pronounce phonetically.

False. I assure you, my kid has a totally normal name in real life. It’s a classic one that both his dad and I liked with a middle name that we borrowed from family members on  both sides. (He does have a cutesy internet alias, but not because I envision myself as some sort of celebrity who must christen her offspring Fern Red or Ivy Blue or fricking Apple Green to mark him as unique and make him successful in life. It’s really just because I don’t think he’ll appreciate the general public having access to his name and a photo of him sitting on the singing devil potty fifteen years down the road.)

3. Our entire day consists of stalking formula companies on social networking sites, wiping butts, and drinking wine out of a box.

False. I do my fair share of butt wiping, but there’s definitely time left in my day to enjoy normal things. Like stalking celebrities on Twitter. And catching up on old episodes of the Vampire Diaries on Hulu. And you know, actually pursuing a career outside the home. (The wine drinking doesn’t take place till much later in the evening.)

4. If you meet us in person, you better be prepared to see some boobies, because those puppies are getting stuffed in someone’s face at some point. And that someone is not you.

False. It’s probably TMI, but I have gimpy boobs when it comes to breastfeeding. They didn’t exactly work as planned the first time around, so as much as I wanted to, I never got to whip them out in front of friends, family, or the cable guy. (Like, Surprise! Who wants creamer in their coffee? I ate some M&Ms last night, so it’s chocolate flavored today, betches!) However, I will show you my gnarly potato peeling scar if you ask nicely enough. I probably should have gotten, like, three stitches in that bad boy.

5. We’re all Conservative Christian homeschoolers who dress like extras on Little House on the Prarie.

False. I love my child, but God help me, his little ass is going to public school as soon as he’s old enough. I may have 7/8 of a BS in Biology with Secondary Teacher’s Licensure, but that doesn’t mean I have the patience (or critical thinking skills) to teach him elementary level mathematics. Also? I’m an unapologetic, tree-hugging liberal ex-Catholic, so there goes that whole she’s-a-crazy-Creationist-with-a-clown-car-for-a-vagina thing.

What do you think? Are there any misconceptions and/or stereotypes I missed?

About Chelsie

Mommy. Beauty product whore. Plastic lawn flamingo enthusiast. Nosy neighbor. One day novelist.
This entry was posted in Boo, Family, I should probably just apologize ahead of time, Internetland, Would it kill you to comment? and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

19 Responses to Five Things You Thought You Knew About Moms Who Blog (but are completely false)

  1. Thank you for a thoroughly entertaining piece!

  2. Yes, you forgot the part where we wife swap with the neighbors at keys parties while tippling martinis and popping Vicodin. And one rebuttal. We do think we’re superior. We’re smug little shits.

  3. mishelle42 says:

    I thought it was the kid’s ADHD meds Mommy Bloggers popped… ?!?!?

    That last line will stick with me for a while… “a clown car for a vagina” Snort!

    I have to say I love the snarky sense of humour! Totally!

    M

  4. QXFace says:

    I have two kids and a blog, but I wouldn’t call myself a mommy blogger.

  5. Bwahahahaha! EXCELLENT post! I don’t think I was drunk when the child-conceiving genital mashing occurred…oh, hell, I probably totally was. Of course, I don’t consider myself a mommy blogger, either. That’s just inviting a call from CPS.

  6. wittybizgal says:

    Okay, this one deserves to be Freshly Pressed! I wonder if WP has a suggestion box? You had me rolling, because I sorta hate the term “Mommy Blogger”, if only for the stereotypes in conjures up, which I don’t fit either. This does not mean, of course, that I will stop shamelessly plugging WittyBizGal on Bloggy Moms, just that I get what you’re saying in a big way. I have kids, and I’m really proud of all three of them. But, there’s SOOO much more to me than my Mommy or Mom or even my GrandMom status. Great work here, Three Ring Mom!

  7. danielle says:

    I am such a vulgar, fuck you -type of blogger and then I throw in pictures of my Monster toddler and DIY crafts… Pretty sure that I confuse people. Pretty sure I’m okay with that. This is a great post! Thanks for clarifying the difference between a mom blogger and a mom who blogs! Some people just don’t get it!

  8. Dana says:

    Some of us are homeschoolers without the Conservative Christian part. I once scared off Mary Pride (look her up) from my Twitter account by discussing same. :D

    (I’ve noticed far too many right-wingers taking over school boards. Does not make Mama happy. So we don’t mess with any of that mess.)

  9. erika ann says:

    i am not morally or physically superior to ANYONE! i live with my baby daddy and cant afford a wedding (though i really want one) and i like a good drink and cuss fest behind the wheel (sometimes with the parrot in the car “no mommy said ‘truck. TRUCK!’”). I am also extreemly jealous of any childless womans completely capable body. my ability to create totally awesome offspring does not make me better than any other fully grown woman. i would however like to be a homeschooler, and im a creationst, i know, im bat shit crazy.

    • Chelsie says:

      Many of my friends are conservative Christians (and yes, Creationists) and we’re friends any way. We all understand that belief is a intensely personal thing and what I write is not meant to disparage them personally in any way. I just have a big mouth, and I find it very hard to keep it shut.

  10. Allison says:

    Dana – your comment re: school boards make me SO relieved to live in a science-happy town. (Hooray for national laboratories!)

    Came over from the “I hate mommy bloggers” post, and you’re dead-on. I way prefer moms who happen to blog, who curse, and who wield a wicked sense of humor like a samurai sword. You rock.

  11. Shell says:

    OMG. How this cracked me up!!!

    I tend to say I’m a Mommy Blogger- b/c I’m a mom who blogs, but not b/c I fit any of those ridiculous stereotypes. Especially since I’d never drink wine out of a box. ;)

    • Chelsie says:

      You’re totally missing out. Wine from a box is one of the finer things in life. In fact, I took a boxed Arkansas wine to a blind tasting party once and it won the “Best Taste” award for the night.

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