One day a long time ago–a magical, pre-Boo time full of lots of extra sleep and floors that stayed clean for more than five minutes–I was browsing through Barnes and Noble when I came across a book called Milk, Eggs, Vodka: Grocery Lists Lost and Found. (Only not really. There are no Harvard commas in the list of the title, but I can’t bring myself to type like that. So there you go. I’m a liar with OCD.)
Any way, I was intrigued. It is, as the title suggests, a collection of discarded grocery lists that escape inanity by including items like “hookers and blow” right next to butter, soup, and creamer. (See! There’s that damn Harvard comma again. I just can’t escape it.)
I never bought the book (sorry author dude, I read it all in one sitting at the bookstore) but the idea has always stuck with me, because honestly, who leaves their lists in the shopping cart? (Here’s a hint: not the kind of people who are bothered by Harvard commas.)
Today I looked at my grocery list. The first three things listed were plastic sheeting, drano, bleach, and booze. Then I remembered that I recently did a little research about how many times a human being could be poked with a cattle prod before (ahem) expiring, what a long-range shot through the chest from a 9MM handgun looked like, and what the most effective ways to psychologically torture a person would be.
It’s all legit, I swear. But it certainly looks incriminating. Like I’m some kind of serial killer who likes to torture her victims by forcing them clean out clogged plumbing (with a little extra encouragement via electric shock) before dismembering the body and cleaning up the evidence with Clorox.
When I mentioned this on Twitter, one of my friends said I should just throw the Fibbies off my trail by putting the word ‘organic’ in there somewhere. Like adding ‘organic carrots’ to my list right next to ‘extra-strength ducktape’ would help my cause.
Because then I’d be the perp who sl-o-o-o-o-wly poisons her victims with Β-carotene before offing them. Heh.
So fess up: what kind of weird things have you shopped for? Baseball bats and meat cleavers? Quick lime and a shovel?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who wonders about this.