This is the post I should remember when I get pulled aside for additional screening in an airport security line.

One day a long time ago–a magical, pre-Boo time full of lots of extra sleep and floors that stayed clean for more than five minutes–I was browsing through Barnes and Noble when I came across a book called Milk, Eggs, Vodka: Grocery Lists Lost and Found. (Only not really. There are no Harvard commas in the list of the title, but I can’t bring myself to type like that. So there you go. I’m a liar with OCD.)

Any way, I was intrigued. It is, as the title suggests, a collection of discarded grocery lists that escape inanity by including items like “hookers and blow” right next to butter, soup, and creamer. (See! There’s that damn Harvard comma again. I just can’t escape it.)

I never bought the book (sorry author dude, I read it all in one sitting at the bookstore) but the idea has always stuck with me, because honestly, who leaves their lists in the shopping cart? (Here’s a hint: not the kind of people who are bothered by Harvard commas.)

Today I looked at my grocery list. The first three things listed were plastic sheeting, drano, bleach, and booze. Then I remembered that I recently did a little research about how many times a human being could be poked with a cattle prod before (ahem) expiring, what a long-range shot through the chest from a 9MM handgun looked like, and what the most effective ways to psychologically torture a person would be.

It’s all legit, I swear. But it certainly looks incriminating. Like I’m some kind of serial killer who likes to torture her victims by forcing them clean out clogged plumbing (with a little extra encouragement via electric shock) before dismembering the body and cleaning up the evidence with Clorox.

When I mentioned this on Twitter, one of my friends said I should just throw the Fibbies off my trail by putting the word ‘organic’ in there somewhere. Like adding ‘organic carrots’ to my list right next to ‘extra-strength ducktape’ would help my cause.

Because then I’d be the perp who sl-o-o-o-o-wly poisons her victims with Β-carotene before offing them. Heh.

So fess up: what kind of weird things have you shopped for? Baseball bats and meat cleavers? Quick lime and a shovel?

Please tell me I’m not the only one who wonders about this.

About Chelsie

Mommy. Beauty product whore. Plastic lawn flamingo enthusiast. Nosy neighbor. One day novelist.
This entry was posted in Internetland, No one else will think this is funny, Not nearly as offensive as it sounds and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to This is the post I should remember when I get pulled aside for additional screening in an airport security line.

  1. You are NOT the only one. I was watching a special on the history channel once, while talking on the phone (one of those two hour conversations where you exhaust all topics except what you’re seeing on tv). It happened to be a what-to-do after the bomb drops or something similar. It had all these suggestions on what to buy. Me, being me, started looking stuff up on the internet, and followed one of my searches to a marijuana filled cave that drug dealers used (look it up, damn smart drug dealers!). Anyway, then, because of the special, I started looking up hydroponics. Then, because I make soap to sell at craft fairs and was curious, I looked up how to make lye soap. (Ingredients for lye soap are regulated because they apparently are used to make meth. I didn’t know that until I tried to buy the stuff to make the soap) After a few random searches, my friend needed the computer. She looked in the history for something else, saw all my searches, and said “Holy shit, you’re on the FBI watchlist for sure. You look like you’re planning to grow drugs in a cave.” Me, being me, said “No, I already know where all the marijuana fields are up in the hills.” You can imagine the look she gave me for that.

  2. scrooge_74 says:

    By now they proly think Im part of Anonymous helping hack the planet or breaking trade or banking laws, good thing server end laptop are encripted 0_0

  3. Jo Green says:

    I haven’t ever thought about this, but it made me think of my Mom’s grocery lists. She always put TP instead of toilet paper.

  4. Late on this posting, but here are somethings I had to pick up before a dress rehearsal once:
    Non lube condoms (for adding cleavage for a character in a play)
    Screws (we were out, and a set piece needed to be secured)
    Chunky Peanut butter (stage blood ingredient one)
    Karyo Syrup (SB ingredient two)
    Food coloring (SB ingredient three)
    Glow paint (out of glow tape to mark corners in the back stage area)

    Yeah, all the makings of a S and M orgy rave.

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