As God is my witness, I shall never again speak of what transpired tonight.

I have a good kid. I do. But sometimes…

Sometimes I think he’s sneaking out of the house to cavort with feral pigs and vodoo priestesses in the moonlight while Red and I sleep. There’s no other way to explain some of his behaviour. Like tonight.

It’s hard to even think about. Here I was, all poised to write about love and acceptance, and then Boo pulled a stunt I didn’t think we’d ever have to deal with again. (We? Shit. Red is always MIA when stuff like this goes down.)

At this point, I'm pretty sure even the Buddy Christ hates me.

I can’t even begin to put into words what rushed through my mind in the first milliseconds after I opened Boo’s door. Revulsion. Confusion. Rage. All of them simultaneously, capped off with a nice healthy dose of WHAT THE FUCK.

Y’all, the cleaning process sounded like I was disemboweling a live coyote. Between me gagging and screeching (WHY! Why did you do that?) and Boo yipping like he’d just been run over by an ice cream truck (I not! I not!), I’m sure our new neighbor seriously thought about calling the authorities.

I never want to do that again. It was fucking Sodom and Gomorrah, but with more shit. It was a scene from one of those Saw movies, but with more shit. MORE SHIT, people. I had to dig it out of the crevices of his crib with a fucking toothpick. There’s not enough bleach in the motherfucking world to wash those images from my eyeballs.

There is a God, and He hates me.

About Chelsie

Mommy. Beauty product whore. Plastic lawn flamingo enthusiast. Nosy neighbor. One day novelist.
This entry was posted in Boo, Family, I should probably just apologize ahead of time, No one else will think this is funny, Red and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to As God is my witness, I shall never again speak of what transpired tonight.

  1. Michelle says:

    You know, I think about wanting to maybe eventually have kids, and then I read stuff like this and wonder how fast I can schedule an appointment to have my uterus removed.

  2. Mishelle says:

    Thankfully my kids never did that BUT one of the children I take care of did. She was in a quiet area while I took care of the child she had beaten (she was 2… I was happy, oh so very happy when she left) when she decided to paint the wall, floor and the side of the fridge that was in arm’s reach of her AND herself while I took care of the other child. I turned around to see all the poop EVERYWHERE and just stared.

    I sympathize with the mess. You must have been floored and gobsmacked.

    M

    • Chelsie says:

      OHMYGOSH. That kid? Would have never been allowed back into my home. And I would have saved this mess for her parents to clean up. That’s just not right!

      • Mishelle says:

        I washed the area with a full thing of javex wipes after I gave her a bath. I was terribly annoyed at the mess but at that age there isn’t much you can do but clean it up.

        Well and consider what you will drink afterwards… as you sit in a quiet place and contemplate why you chose this profession…

        SNORT!!

        M

  3. Sarah says:

    oh my cheese and rice. i don’t think i could have handled it. why wouldn’t you call in the hazmat suit FIRST? GAH!

  4. Chelsie says:

    It was… awful. I wouldn’t wish that mess on my worst enemy.

  5. Pingback: Everybody should believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink. | Three Ring Mom

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