The Fine Art of Snow Penises: An Exhibition of Modern Sculpture

Heh heh. Heh. Heh heh. Snicker. This just happened:

VICTORY IS MINE.

Someone Googled ‘snow penis’ and found my site. I think that means I win at life. Who knew a giant phallus made of snow would be the gift that keeps on giving?

*****

It’s snowing. Again. This time, the forecasters told us that we’d get around 4-8 inches, while the region to our north would only get about 2-4.

As of 11:00 AM this morning, 20 inches have fallen there. I believe that’s called a forecasting FAIL.

Obviously, Boo and I aren’t going anywhere for a while, so I have nothing better to do than to curl up under a blanket and educate the faceless masses about the fine art of the snow penis. Enjoy!

*****

(Stop reading now if you’re easily offended. The following contains images that may not be suitable for younger audiences. As always, viewer discretion is advised.)

You might think that the snow penis naturally evolved as a mechanism to help Frosty the Snowman schtup Mrs. Frosty, but you’d be wrong. There’s not much on the books in the way of the history behind the first snow penis, but I have a hunch that it started in a college town somewhere in the frozen north (but not Canada, because Canadians have better things to do with their time–like feel smug about their universal health care) by booze-fueled fratties as a way to lure unsuspecting women to their parties.

*****

On a cold night many semesters ago, two friends huddled around a keg in the basement of the GDI frat house, bathed in the oily light of the Live Nudes neon sign buzzing overhead. The beer was running dry, spirits were low, and there were no women in sight.

“Hey, Broseph! This sausagefest blows. Where are all the ladies tonight?” said Frattie One to his friend.

“Dunno, Bronameth. Probably watching The OC or some shit.” Frattie Two answered.

Frattie One crumpled an empty and tossed it across the room. “Lame,” he declared, and he was right. Indeed, the party lacked the sparkle brought by sweet young bosoms covered in enough glitter to decorate a Rose Bowl parade float.

“You know what would be sweet, Broham? If we, like, had something in the front yard that would advertise what services we’ve got to offer,” said Frattie Two.

Suddenly, Frattie One felt a tingling in his head-brain-region. “Hot damn, Brosemite Sam. Put on your flip flops. I’ve got an idea.”

So the fratties went outside, with only their popped collars to protect them from the freezing temperatures, and traced the very first snow penis in the front yard of their House. And yon, did the ladies flock to the party in droves, filling the night air with the perfume of Nattie Light  and sluttery. The penis beacon had worked.

*****

Or something like that. Like I said, the lore is a little vague. No doubt, the first snow penis was a crude and not anatomically correct–a little help in the length department, if ya know what I mean–but it undoubtedly made headlines. Because after all, it’s not every day you see a penis traced into the fresh powder of a football stadium.

Exhibit A: It may not be fancy, but that schlong is 6 football fields long.

No two snow penises are exactly alike.

Fun fact: This and the Great Wall of China are the only two man-made structures that can be seen from space.

It wasn’t long after the first crude penises were drawn that the architectural wonder that is the freestanding phallus came onto the scene.

There's no way this caption can't read, "Big, veiny, triumphant bastard."

If you think about it, these things are marvels of modern engineering. Careful consideration must be made about the girth circumference of  vertical element versus the weight of the crown, lest the whole thing become heavy of top and founder.

Aspiring chemists have added to the majesty of snow penii, oft pouring cocktails of reactive liquids down strategically reinforced lengths of PVC pipe in the center of the shaft. Under the right conditions, these compounds combine and are propelled from the tip in a frothy explosion. They’re like volcanoes, only colder. And only scary if you happen to be a snow egg in a snow fallopian tube.

(But of course I can’t show you a picture of that, because at this point I’m very closely toeing that imaginary line that separates ‘decency’ from a realm populated by rubber fetishists and furries. If you’re really that curious, try YouTube. There are some… interesting videos there.)

There is no official record of the tallest snow penis, but some communities have reported phalli that stood over 14 feet high. Most, though, are about the height of an average male college student, because those fuckers are notoriously lazy and really, who would want to dig a ladder out of storage just to put the, ahem, top on?

The height of the average snow penis is about 6 feet tall.

Unadorned freestanders (or UAFs) are the most common category of snow penii, but industrious artists have found ways make the UAF more realistic. These methods include staining the snow to resemble human flesh, adding scrotal accoutrements, and defining other anatomical structures.

Blue balls. Geddit?

An example of extreme realism. Let me assure you, the full-color version was *very* convincing.

Notice the sparse foliage at the base.

Less common than the UAF, but equally as grand is the Giant Horizontal Pocket Monster (GHPM). The GHPM, generally as a consequence of it’s sheer size, rests horizontally on the ground or other flat surfaces. These are often found populating parking lots after a good snow fall.

This GHPM looks like it belongs in a Carnivale parade or something.

But if these works of modern art inspire you to do some sculpting of your own, consider researching first. Some towns consider snow penii a nuisance and “disgusting“, and it may be against the law to construct one, even if it’s on your own front lawn. Many communities have decency laws to which your yard art must comply, and anything depicting realistic genitalia or sexual acts may land you in the clink.

 

Just imagine the conversation about how you got arrested for building a 14 foot snow penis with the person who’s bailing you out. Especially is she happens to be your mother. Awwwwwkward.

In the end, I am forced to conclude that all snow penii are of the Jewish persuasion, because they all seem to be, shall we say, lacking a certain (non)critical piece of anatomy.

Images courtesy of http://www.collegehumor.com

About Chelsie

Mommy. Beauty product whore. Plastic lawn flamingo enthusiast. Nosy neighbor. One day novelist.
This entry was posted in Just Plain Offensive, Mature, Mom Don't Read This. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to The Fine Art of Snow Penises: An Exhibition of Modern Sculpture

  1. Michelle says:

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    I was tempted to use the snow that had fallen on the hood of my car to construct one, but alas, it was too dry to stick together, and I wasn’t feeling that industrious considering it was something like 2 degrees outside at the time.

    It’s hilarious that, should there exist a material that can be shaped or sculpted or drawn on, at least one person’s first inclination will be to create a dick out of it.

  2. Chelsie says:

    I’m watching a Top Chef All-Stars marathon right now, and my first inclination upon seeing one chef’s food sculpture was, “I bet I could make a dick out of polenta.” Heh.

  3. Pingback: Back off, Judgy McJudgerson | Three Ring Mom

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